Conflicted

So I've been feeling a little melancholy lately. Nothing serious, though. I recently had to make a somewhat difficult decision. My supervisors at the office asked me if I'd want to extend my time at the office (again) and stay on past January. The last time they asked me that question, the answer was pretty easy, I couldn't say no to my first real job. So I stayed. But this time the answer didn't come so easily to me. After all, in staying, I'm not gaining any new experiences as I did the last time I agreed to stay. But it's such a great job, it's what I want to do as a career and the people here are so great. So when someone comes up and askes you to stay, the temptation to say yes is really strong. But what about the rest of my life, outside of work? My family, my friends, my home, Mike who I love and adore... basically my entire life... what am I supposed to do with that? Well, for sure I can't abandon all of that. Impossible.

So was there some way I could have both? You know it: I want it all! I discussed it with some of the people close to me. What if I stayed and commuted back and forth? That would be assuming I got myself a license rather quickly and I stayed in Ottawa for another 6 months until Mike and I bought our house, and then the commuting (more than 3 hours per day) would begin. Could I really deal with that? And for how long? I thought about buying a house in Hawkesbury, right between Montreal and Ottawa. Would I really want to live there? No way: we don't know anyone there, family and friends would be too far away. No need for a lonely existence far away from all the people that are important to us.

But what if Mike left his job and moved to Ottawa so I could pursue my career in the government? Are you kidding me? How selfish do you think I am? That is honestly one option I never took into consideration. After all, Mike is the one settled in a good job that pays well. Of the two of us, he's the one with the future that is certain and well-grounded. Why would I want to make his future uncertain for my job, that may or may not become permanent? If anyone should be moving, it's me. And no this is not what Mike told me, it's what I told him. Obviously, he agreed.

So in the end I had to decline their offer. It was difficult. And I feel kind of stupid declining such a nice offer but I also feel that the longer I stay in Ottawa the harder it will be to leave (I mean, look at the difficulties I'm experiencing now!) and the more I will be putting off actually settling down somewhere and starting a real career and start saving money and all of that important stuff.

I'm mostly just scared. I'm scared of going out into the real world and having to find a real job. I'm scared I won't find a job. I'm scared that I'll never be as happy as I am at my current job. But fear of the unknown is natural, I know that. But everyone else goes through it, so I can do it to.

I'll tell you one thing though, I'm really looking forward to being among friends and family again.

Wish for Better Weather

Hey; I'm no longer an intern! Now I'm an official public servant. At least, for the next four months or so.

So, a few exciting things coming up! This Saturday is Mike's company's annual golf tournament, which should be a lot of fun. We've been to driving ranges and golf courses for the past several weekends... hopefully all of that practise will pay off on Saturday! If not, there's always the steak dinner after the tournament to look forward to!

As for next weekend, I'm currently trying to decide whether or not I should go on a camping trip with some of my old buddies from school. I haven't seen them in a long time, and it would be fun to get together again for a weekend. So that could be awesome. There are issues though: it's at Lake Champlain and for someone without a license, let alone a car, it will be difficult to find transportation (oh yeah, and not to mention I'm in OTTAWA and not Montreal, like everyone else). Also, there's the issue of going two weeks without seeing any family or friends... but I think I can deal with that one. I think I'm getting rather used to being, for the most part, a loser loner!

Speaking of being a loser, I was forced into taking last Friday off, because I was required to have a one day break in service between the end of my internship and the beginning of my contract position. So what did I do on my off? Well, I stopped by the office, of course! And went out for lunch with some of my coworkers (we always go out on Fridays and have an extended lunch). I have to take every opportunity I can to interact with people!

And I Don't Feel the Same

Holy crap, where did summer go?! It's really hard to believe that had I not been hired for a casual position, I would be coming home for good this weekend. And that is just the weirdest thought, because I feel so established here and I really can't see myself leaving at this point. Strange, that. Especially considering I miss everyone back home so much!

Anyway, somehow September has happened. Go figure. The last two weeks at the office were pretty quiet, what with most of everybody being on vacation and the rest having finished their summer terms and gone back to school or new jobs. Maybe I should take this opportunity to wish the very best to Ryan and Scott, two great guys who have both left the office in the past couple of weeks:


Good luck guys!

Well, I left my place this morning, and once again (and I thought this crap was all over) Ottawa threw me for a loop. All of sudden, the traffic on Ottawa's streets have doubled and it's impossible for me to cross the road to get to my bus stop. Then, since high school started today, the bus was jam-packed with teenagers. Pleasant. And then, my transfer bus that takes me to the office suddenly ceased to exist. So I walked the rest of the way to the office. So today I lay to rest the 99 bus route and tomorrow I'll say hello to the 101 and the 102. Whatever. As long as the new routes get me to the office on time. Unlike today where I actually had to walk/jog up the hill on Carling while the wind continuously whipped my skirt up around my waist. Aren't days like today supposed to be called Monday??

It's a Hindrance to My Health if I'm a Stranger to Myself

It's so funny how sometimes things just seem to fall in to place, even though I know it's not necessarily what happened. I've just been rereading some of my past entries, going back to May when I first moved to Ottawa. It's fun to look back and remember what it was like to move to a strange city, not knowing anyone, not knowing how to get around, not knowing anything! But now, over three months later, I can finally say that I'm really happy. I enjoy my job, the people here are awesome, even my landlord and landlady ("landpeople"??) are really nice (they invite me up for a glass of wine every once in a while!) It's nice to sit back and look at my situation and say "Yep, I've got it good"! Because we all know things change, so we have to hold on to what we've got! I spent a good month in this basement apartment feeling lonely and missing my home. Although I still miss being home with everyone (and missing out on outings and events) I'm dealing with it much better than I used to. And that's a good thing, because I recently agreed to extend my stay in Ottawa. In fact, my time here will double.

Once my internship officially finishes (September 8th) I will be starting a casual position, which is a 90 (working) day term, which will come to roughly 4 - 4 1/2 months. So not only am I guaranteed work for another 4 months, but it will be a real position, rather than an internship, which will look pretty good on my resumé. The more experience I can get while I'm here, the better. Anyway, I should be getting an letter of offer within the next week. Then it will be official!

What I Love About Ottawa

Sewers that look like fish!

And that's all I have to say about that.

Oh, and here's a picture of my office building:

Not what you were expecting, is it??