Conflicted

So I've been feeling a little melancholy lately. Nothing serious, though. I recently had to make a somewhat difficult decision. My supervisors at the office asked me if I'd want to extend my time at the office (again) and stay on past January. The last time they asked me that question, the answer was pretty easy, I couldn't say no to my first real job. So I stayed. But this time the answer didn't come so easily to me. After all, in staying, I'm not gaining any new experiences as I did the last time I agreed to stay. But it's such a great job, it's what I want to do as a career and the people here are so great. So when someone comes up and askes you to stay, the temptation to say yes is really strong. But what about the rest of my life, outside of work? My family, my friends, my home, Mike who I love and adore... basically my entire life... what am I supposed to do with that? Well, for sure I can't abandon all of that. Impossible.

So was there some way I could have both? You know it: I want it all! I discussed it with some of the people close to me. What if I stayed and commuted back and forth? That would be assuming I got myself a license rather quickly and I stayed in Ottawa for another 6 months until Mike and I bought our house, and then the commuting (more than 3 hours per day) would begin. Could I really deal with that? And for how long? I thought about buying a house in Hawkesbury, right between Montreal and Ottawa. Would I really want to live there? No way: we don't know anyone there, family and friends would be too far away. No need for a lonely existence far away from all the people that are important to us.

But what if Mike left his job and moved to Ottawa so I could pursue my career in the government? Are you kidding me? How selfish do you think I am? That is honestly one option I never took into consideration. After all, Mike is the one settled in a good job that pays well. Of the two of us, he's the one with the future that is certain and well-grounded. Why would I want to make his future uncertain for my job, that may or may not become permanent? If anyone should be moving, it's me. And no this is not what Mike told me, it's what I told him. Obviously, he agreed.

So in the end I had to decline their offer. It was difficult. And I feel kind of stupid declining such a nice offer but I also feel that the longer I stay in Ottawa the harder it will be to leave (I mean, look at the difficulties I'm experiencing now!) and the more I will be putting off actually settling down somewhere and starting a real career and start saving money and all of that important stuff.

I'm mostly just scared. I'm scared of going out into the real world and having to find a real job. I'm scared I won't find a job. I'm scared that I'll never be as happy as I am at my current job. But fear of the unknown is natural, I know that. But everyone else goes through it, so I can do it to.

I'll tell you one thing though, I'm really looking forward to being among friends and family again.